A friend sent this to us via email. The author is unknown, although suspected to be a conservative.
An Anthropological Primer
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during
the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was
the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
Thats how villages were formed. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer.
These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide
the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists
and community organizers are Liberals.
Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasnt fair to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women.
(this seems like an appropriate place to insert this advertisement)
Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of
the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals
remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.
Here ends todays lesson in world history. It should be noted that
a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to
other true believers and to just piss off more liberals…
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
Im going to have another beer.
